A friend of mine, a couples counselor, stopped by to see me after a long week. She sank into my couch, closed her eyes and said: “You know what phrase I wish I could ban couples from saying? ‘I never said that.’”
It was a sentence, my friend told me, that she heard almost every week. And once someone said it, the whole session would usually devolve into an argument about what the person did or did not say.
This made me wonder about other phrases therapists wished couples would stop saying during conflicts.
Here are their candidates, why we should avoid them and what to say instead.
Generalizations
“You always …” and “You never …” These terms are often exaggerations, and they don’t acknowledge any efforts your partner is trying to make, said Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist who works with individuals and couples in Washington, D.C.
And your partner might get defensive, he added: “So you’re not even having a problem-solving conversation anymore. You’re just going into full-blown argument mode.”
Instead of delving into the past, make an effort to stay in the present. “When you go back into history, it turns the conversation into a different thing,” Gaines said. Focus on the problem at hand, he added. (You might say, I’m noticing that you’re not helping to pick up after the kids; here’s why it’s bothering me.)
Deflections
“Yes, but …” Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of “Love Every Day,” said she hears this phrase all the time. One person will voice a concern, and the other will agree — then add a caveat. (“You were 10 minutes late,” one person might say. The other might respond: “Yes, but you were late last week.”)
Using the word “but” implies that “‘it was kind of perfunctory for me to honor your concern, but really, I don’t understand it or validate it,’” Dr. Solomon said.
Instead of mounting a defense, she said, reflect your partner’s words and feelings. Try saying something like, “What I’m hearing from you is …”
Comparisons
“You should be more like _____.” Comparing your partner with someone else is “never, ever a great strategy,” Gaines said.
“I see it a lot: ‘Well, Danny takes his wife on a date three times a month,’” he continued. “Danny is a different person. His partner is a different person. You can only be who you are.”
Playing the comparison game can lead to jealousy, Gaines said, and “breed a lot of issues with self-image and self-confidence and self-esteem within a relationship.”
“This was never an issue in my other relationships.” This verbal bomb “really chips away the trust and security that you have with your partner,” said Wonbin Jung, a therapist in Silicon Valley who specializes in treating L.G.B.T.Q. couples. “The hidden message that I hear as a therapist is, ‘The problem that we have in this relationship is because of you.’”
Keep other people out of it, Gaines said, and concentrate on talking about your own needs. This can make you feel more vulnerable, but it’s much more productive.
Dismissals
“You’re overreacting.” No one person is “the actuary of emotional responses,” Dr. Solomon said. One person does not get to determine which reactions are appropriate, she said, adding that this phrase is often used to bypass accountability.
Instead of judging, said Dr. Solomon, you can say, “‘OK, I’m listening. Tell me more. Help me understand what you’re having a hard time with.’”
“Calm down.” Urging your partner to take it easy almost always has the opposite effect, Dr. Jung said. “It’s like oil in a fire. So is, ‘You’re crazy.’”
If one partner is agitated, or both are, Dr. Jung usually advises them to take a short break and cool down.
Or, Dr. Jung said, you can ask your partner, “What do you need right now?” (Maybe it’s to be helped, heard or hugged.)
“It’s not that big of a deal.” When you say that one of your partner’s concerns is not serious, it’s belittling and inaccurate, Gaines said. “You can’t measure how something feels to someone else,” he added. “You have no frame of reference. You can’t make that call.”
Instead, Gaines said, respectfully acknowledge that you have different perspectives. Then ask your partner to help you understand why an issue is important, and offer whatever support you can give.
Gaines told me that his wife, Noémie, is neat and organized, while he is not. Once, he said, he left a crusty bowl of oatmeal in her freshly cleaned sink; she jokingly accused him of “trying to destroy” her.
My husband and I have a similar dynamic. After I heard Noémie’s line, I used it on my husband when he left a pungent pile of his cycling gear on the floor.
“You always make me laugh,” he said. (That’s the good kind of “you always.”)
Some foods may help defend against cancer. Here’s what to add to your plate.
Scientists have a good idea of what foods you should avoid to reduce your risk of cancer, such as red and processed meats and sugary drinks. But what foods should you eat to help keep cancer at bay? While you won’t find a silver bullet in a single food, experts say there are some that may help you lower your risk.
Read the article: Can Certain Foods Really Reduce Your Cancer Risk?
There are ways to improve your short-term memory.
When we can’t recall something we just learned, it’s exasperating but usually normal, experts say. Caroline Hopkins, a health and science journalist based in Brooklyn, shares tricks and tactics to make information stick.
Read the article: Now, What Was I Looking For?
